Homesick

I feel homesick.  Well, that's not quite right.  I miss three certain people very strongly.  I always do, but it seems that it's this time of year that the lack of their presence is compounded infinitely.  That feeling is a lot like homesickness to me... like you know that you'll eventually be reunited with all that you miss, but you have to endure the time until then.  And sure, there is a lot to enjoy in the meantime....but always lingering, even if way way back in the recesses of the mind, are thoughts of them.  Grandpa Keith.  Grandpa Jay. Grandma Camille.

I know. I write about them an awful lot.  But they were are three of the most important people in my life.  They taught me some important things: Loyalty, courage, patience, a love of nature, humor, faith, and love.
I cannot express how much I miss them. 

I'm feeling emotional, but I guess that's nothing new.  Holidays mean family, and my family has a huge whole in it where they belong.  Thanksgiving is turkey, and turkey legs are my Grandpa Keith.  Christmas is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is my Grandma Camille.  My house gets decorated with things that were theirs, like the blue velvet bows, the blue and silver tinsel, and the homemade snowflakes hung from the ceiling.  It's beautiful and yet somehow stifling.  The memories are always there.  As comforting as they can be, they haunt. Is this normal?! I love having her things, and I hate having her things.  I love having them, because they were a part of her, and when I see them, I think of her and Grandpa, and of the way I remember their big, elaborate holiday displays from when I was little.  I hate having her things because that means she isn't here to enjoy them herself.  I hate this.

I struggle with this.  My Grandpa Jay has been gone for half my life now. Half of my life. Grandpa Keith has been gone for nearly 13 years.  Grandma's been gone for about 2 and a half.  I've heard that time heals all wounds.  When? When does that kick in?

I know I sound melodramatic.  I mean, it's not like I'm crying every day anymore.  But I still get pangs of sadness. Lumps in my throat. Tears behind my eyes.  There's just something about this time of year that brings everything to a head.  Not sure exactly why.  Their deaths took place in June and April.  Though I've always had a grateful heart, Thanksgiving has never been one of my favorite holidays.  So it's not that.  I guess it's the little things.  Coconut Crisps. Sousa. Jazz games. Lawrence Welk. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Coming across old birthday cards with that familiar handwriting.  Saving the last voice message she left me every three weeks.  Pansies and butterflies.  I even catch a whiff of her perfume every now and then. But since the little things happen throughout the year, I don't know why it resounds so strongly now.

So yeah, I feel homesick.  It's stronger than usual right now, but it's always there.  How do you deal with this? Is it just something you live with until all of a sudden you don't notice anymore?  That sounds like both a blessing and a curse.

I guess there's nothing that I can do about it...just like being homesick.  Try to enjoy the time you have doing what you're doing where you are, looking forward to finally getting that sweet reunion.  I would be so thankful if I could just figure out how to stop hurting so much about things I cannot change.