Though this picture wasn't taken from the show, it might as well have been. About halfway through the special, the Osmonds whipped out a chimney sweep number. No, I don't know what that has to do with Christmas. I can imagine the creators in the planning stage talking about it:
"Dude, this show needs a chimney sweep scene."And so it came to pass that the Osmond Christmas Special introduced a chimney sweep number so disturbing as to haunt my dreams.
"Hey, it worked for Mary Poppins!"
"Let's do it."
Another scene I apparently blocked out of my mind in the interest of self-preservation was a brilliant music number feature the Osmond wives. Alas, but I cannot find photographic evidence of this atrocity, so you'll have to take my word for it. Imagine, if you will:
A makeshift curtain hangs from a clothesline in a wintery cabin. The curtain is a mish-mash of various quilts. A hush falls over the room. A freaky lady with big horse-teeth and a smile that could melt the paint off your car comes through a space in the curtains. There stands Marie Osmond. With a flourish that would make a Lifetime movie proud, she introduces the amazing Osmond wives. Out comes a chorus line of women wearing sweatshirts with their Osmond husband names on them. The only thing that's missing is the phrase "property of:" from their shirts. Quasi-hilarity ensues as they sing a custom Christmas carol about their quest to present a 'comical' story about their quest to present a 'comical' story. The only sound is the creak of eyes rolling, canned laughter, and perhaps the sound of a rope snapping taut as a stage crew member hangs himself in the wings. Wow.
2 comments:
I have no retorts. I have no quips.
This post is brilliant and dead-on.
Thank you.
I'm going to have to go with Joshua on this on... quite brilliant (though it kind of makes me want to witness the insanity myself... kind of like looking at a car wreck... you just can't help watching even as everything in your being wants you to look away!)
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